By request, my review of the film “500 MPH Storm” has been expedited - and it’s a long one.
500 MPH Storm is a terrible, terrible film. The first half hour of the film is awful in a “The Room” kind of way. The content of the film up to this point is so unabashedly comical that it seems like smooth sailing. It’s going to be bad, but that’s almost why you are here. The special effects at times are “passable” for a student film, but for a studio release - are so unapologetically bad that it’s unacceptable. The worst thing about the film is the acting though. The acting is appalling. It’s honestly embarrassing to sit through. Every scene is riddled with such terrible lines and inane delivery that it hurts. I could have almost stomached the clear “reading of lines” in many scenes, but it was the wife and son of the “main character” that really did me in. I was so incredulous that I had to do some research lest my brain explode from an abusive review.
I looked up the cast from 500 MPH Storm and was really shocked to see how many of them could be considered “legitimate actors”. The main actor - “Casper Van Dien” was in Starship Troopers as the lead - “Johnny Rico” (I knew I recognized his face). “Michael Beach” has been working full time in Sons of Anarchy and has been doing tons of TV work. All of which (according to the YouTube clips I watched) are good parts that he pulls off. Sure, there are abundant actors in 500 MPH Storm that are full time “extras” - hopping around from small parts to small parts, but there were actors involved who in any other circumstance would be considered good.
This made me concerned. Now I have to live with this knowledge about whether or not the unintentional irony of 500 MPH Storm is indeed intentional or not. It’s bad. It’s so bad; but if the intent of the film is to be made to be bad, then it loses a lot of credibility. People love “The Room” because they know that Tommy Wiseau is lying when he says he did it on purpose. He didn’t, and it’s clear. Films are being cranked out with such regularity by this studio that it’s hard to tell if they’re just praying on our hipster nation to sell these films.
It’s no surprise that the film studio “The Asylum” is responsible for this piece of trash. Around the time “Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus” came out in 2008, The Asylum began gaining traction by online communities as being well known for creating low-budget rip-off films that have no discernible qualities aside from how atrocious they are. The studio infuriates me for their lack of respect and judgement and intentional disregard of the studio system. The studio banks on direct-to-DVD releases of films that mimic the content or stories of popular big studio films called “mockbusters”.
This is usually done to pray on unsuspecting individuals who didn’t know any better, and end up receiving “Almighty Thor” for Christmas, instead of the Marvel Studio’s “Thor”, or “Transmorphers” instead of “Transformers”. This type of behaviour has gone on for years now - and even existed as far back as me working at Blockbuster Video, where many gullible parents and grandparents rent “The Terminators” instead of “Terminator Salvation”, or “The Da Vinci Treasure” instead of “The Da Vinci Code”. Frankly, I think the entire studio is full of crooks and I have absolutely no idea how they continue to fund these terribly produced films - even in a world where the Internet feeds off the irony of the content of these films.
Anyway. This film is bad. Don’t see it. I’d liken it to a steaming pile of garbage filled with diapers.